My Illegal Adventure

One day I realized that I was “stuck” where I was in life and didn’t like my limited options. I felt I needed a change. I didn’t want to stay in my poor neighborhood. I wanted to take advantage of the opportunities that others “out there” had. So,… I left.

long (un)employment lineI didn’t really feel like going through the usual route of standing in unemployment lines, perhaps applying for government assistance, maybe going through some sort of certification or other training, then rounds of interviews and competing with other people in hopes of being accepted into a position. I didn’t want to wait.

I’d heard about one particular area with lots of jobs, so that’s where I went. (In fact, I knew the area a little bit from family stories, ‘cuz my great-great-great-grandfather used to live there.) I found a nice, modern-looking office park and eventually found the building where a very prosperous company I was familiar with was located. There were cameras and a security station in the lobby. But, I watched and waited for awhile, then figured out how to sneak in through a backdoor.

Before long, I found a small, empty room in the basement and got comfortable. I spent some time walking around like I belonged and made a few friends. That first day, I even got free food at an office birthday celebration. The next day, the cafeteria manager gave me a job and agreed to pay me “under the table”. It was a nice gig, people liked me, and I got free food!

My boss’s buddy got us access to the security offices one morning and we made a fake employee ID card for me. So, then I had “legal” access to more places & things. (All I had to do was avoid anyone from Human Resources.) I could even leave the building without worrying if I could sneak in again.

Once, I cut myself in the kitchen. I couldn’t go to a doctor or file a claim with HR. But, fortunately, it wasn’t too bad and a co-worker used one of the first aid kits in a bathroom to disinfect and bandage my wound. I also got some band-aids and a bottle of aspirin. It wasn’t much, but it *was* free healthcare. Woohoo!

Fortunately, the company was pretty lax with security. They didn’t have anyone patrolling or keeping watch at night, and apparently they didn’t look too closely at logs for the ID cards. I “arrived” with everyone else in the morning and left in the afternoon. But, later I would come back in via the service entrance in back. In the evening, I could work out in the company gym & take a shower. I read books and watched instructional videos in the HR department to learn new skills. Free education! I could even watch TV in the executive lounge. Later, I would retire to my “apartment” in the basement and sleep on the comfy, old couch I had dragged in there. In the morning, I left out the back again and came in through the front.

Everything was going great, until somebody wandered down to the basement one day and discovered my “apartment”. I wasn’t there at the time, since I was on shift in the cafeteria, and there was nothing inside to identify who was occupying the room, so no one realized it was me. Of course, I still had access to the building with my fake ID card, so I just continued coming & going to work as usual and “crashed” with a friend at night. But, that only lasted a few days, until security went through the card access logs and figured out I wasn’t exactly legit.

Now, I wasn’t hurting anybody. I had lots of friends. I had a job & worked hard. Why won’t they let me stay? Just ‘cuz I broke several laws (e.g., illegal entry, fraud, theft, unauthorized use of corporate resources, etc.), they want to throw me out? What the heck?! What right do they have, those heartless b*****ds? Not fair!

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