The Ten Liberal/Progressive Commandments

I’m not the first to try something like this, so some of these may sound a little familiar. Others, not so much. I limited myself to ten for the obvious biblical parallel, but obviously more could be devised. Hope you like it!

The 10 Liberal/Progressive Commandments

1. Do not have any other gods before… Nah, just kidding! “God” is within you and you are your own god. Or, there is no God. Whichever you prefer. In the end, do what’s right for you; you don’t owe anyone else anything.

2. Do not make or worship any carved images… ‘cuz that’s just silly. But, “worshiping” the State/government — i.e., voluntarily becoming dependent, such that the government becomes your master — is the only way to go! We need the wisdom and guidance of our government leaders, who know what is best for us.

Homer Simpson commandments3. Do not take the name of the Lord (Obamessiah) in vain… or cast aspersions upon liberal/progressive policies or attempt to thwart the actions of our beloved leader’s administration, lest ye be insulted (ignorant racist!), harrassed, arrested, and possibly imprisoned. In the same vein, it is considered bad taste (or worse) to point out any inconsistency or hypocrisy in speech or action,… unless it is perpetrated by conservatives or other enemies of the progressive agenda. (See #9.)

4. Remember the Tax Day and keep it holy…, for that is when we pay the hallowed tribute that we owe, giving our wise and beneficent leaders the financial means to institute more programs and grow the government machine by which they take care of us. Such a small price to pay. After all, the more they tax us, the better off we are. Hallelujah!

5. Honor your Mother Earth (even to the detriment of other humans) and Fath… er, Big Brother. We are just parasites on this great orb, but while we selfishly remain here, we must treat the Great Mother and our fellows beings (i.e., trees and animals) with honor and respect. We can learn from them, for they are in most ways more noble than we. To assume that humans are superior is arrogant and species-ist. As for the “Big Brother” part, refer back to #2.

6. Do not commit murder… unless it’s of unborn children. Then, feel free to kill them for whatever reason. Remember, as long as the mother doesn’t want it, it’s OK. Already had the kid and now she’s having second thoughts? Don’t worry! Pretty soon, we’ll have state-sanctioned murder of toddlers. Oh, and the sick and elderly are in the crosshairs, too.

7. Do not commit adultery… unless it’s between two consenting adults. Other, voluntary sexual relations are fine, too, regardless of gender or marital status. In fact, screw this! Do whatever you want with whomever or whatever you want, as long as no one gets hurt. (Maybe that’s OK, too, sometimes.) Hedonism for everyone, regardless of personal and societal damages! Gotta satisfy those “natural” urges, right?

8. Do not steal… unless you’re a government official and you’re going to redistribute to others who don’t make or have as much as the privileged few (according to some arbitrary standard). Just about anything is fair game — even the future earnings/savings of the next generation. So, make it a law, threaten those who object with fines and/or jailtime (or, at the very least, public berating), and go for it! (Also, see #10.)

9. Do not bear false witness… unless, of course, doing so furthers the liberal/progressive agenda. In that case, facts, truth, & ethics be damned! The agenda must move forward! Ideologie über alles!

10. Do not covet your neighbor’s possessions… Given enough time, the government will probably decide you have a constitutional right to them, anyway (see #8), and will either a) take them from your neighbor and/or b) give you the same, or c) it will loan you the money to get them (regardless of whether you can ever pay it back). If that doesn’t work, wait awhile longer and we will all be at the mercy of the State for everything we own, er, I mean, everything the State graciously allows us to have and use, anyway. L’égalité pour tous!

*Addendum: Unlike some others, these commandments aren’t etched in stone, so they can be changed at the whim of the powers-that-be at any time. (None of that by-the-will-and-consent-of-the-majority stuff.)

Amen.

Anyone care to add your own?

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