Jan
7

Meth-Head Monkeys and Other Wastes of Taxpayer Money

“It is a popular delusion that the government wastes vast amounts of money through inefficiency and sloth. Enormous effort and elaborate planning are required to waste this much money.” — P.J. O’Rourke, political satirist and journalist

Since taking over the task from the late Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) in 2015, Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) has shared his annual findings on the year’s worst examples of government expenditures of taxpayer money. Just the other day, he released “The Festivus Report 2023”.

If you just skim through the report like I did, you may find that you react with a gamut of emotional displays, including laughter, crying, and outrage. Or, like me, you may just shake your head in numbness and near-complete lack of surprise. Paul comes up with a total of ~$900 billion taxpayer dollars wasted in 2023.

Before you check it out (if you even bother), I wanted to point out a few things. Let’s start with the completely unsurprising biggest numbers, since we have seen them before. Number 1 is the $659 billion dollars paid in interest on our outstanding national debt. (“Because we don’t have the funds to pay that, we have to borrow it — a large portion from China. We borrow from China to pay the interest on funds we couldn’t afford to spend in the first place.”) That is a roughly 38% increase over the already-ridiculous $475 billion we paid in interest in 2022.

Number 2 is the $236 billion paid in “improper payments” — i.e., “payments made by the government to the wrong person, in the wrong amount, or for the wrong reason.” These included payments for Medicaid, PPP Loan Guaranty Purchases, tax credits (both Earned Income and American Opportunity), et al. Sure, it was down a little from FY2022 ($247 billion) and down even more from FY2021 ($281 billion), thanks to massive COVID overpayments that year. Still, not exactly something to be proud of.

I noticed that several of the questionable expenditures involved animal experiments, particularly with monkeys:

Dr. Fauci’s Monkey Business on NIH’s “Monkey Island” ($33,200,000)
USDA’s Cutting-Edge Research: Walking Dogs in the Summer ($Unknown)
— “the USDA allocated ‘cutting-edge’ research funding (i.e., a portion of its $1.7 billion/year) to support a summer study that walked 16 dogs — of two different colors — and measured their rectal temperatures”
Russian Cats-On-A-Treadmill Studies Funded by NIH (portion of $2,700,000)
— grant funds were given to a researcher at Georgia Tech, who then sub-granted the funds (and presumably the distasteful work) to researchers in St. Petersburg, Russia
DOD’s Lobster Tank ($8,395)
NIH’s Meth-Head Monkeys (portion of $12,000,000)
NIH’s Monkey Casino: Gambling for Drinking Water (portion of $3,700,000)
— these risk-taking studies have been funded via grant to the National Science Foundation since 2014
Dr. Fauci’s Transgender Monkey Study ($477,121)

Some of these studies might have legit purposes, but it’s hard to see why the federal government is paying for any of it.

Then there are the multiple instances of military ineptitude:

How to Ruin Expensive Military Equipment Part 1: Engines ($89,000,000)
How to Ruin Expensive Military Equipment Part 2: Transmissions ($12,600,000)
How to Ruin Expensive Military Equipment Part 3: Tank & Vehicle Treads ($68,290,000)

Despite military storage guidelines, the above were all left uncovered outside or stored in “leaky and improperly maintained long-life reusable containers (LLRCs).”

Several more examples had to do with DEI, the COVID pandemic, and/or “dis/misinformation” on controversial issues:

Barbie Doll Photo Used to Get COVID PPP Funds (portion of $800,000,000,000)
DHS Training Employees to Be Their “Authentic & Best Selves” ($Unknown)
— this was part of a 5-year ‘diversity, equity, inclusion, and accessibility (DEIA)’ strategic plan for Cybersecurity Infrastructure Security Agency (CISA)
The Government Pays Dead People … Again! ($38,000,000)
— these were COVID payments that “went to people Uncle Sam knew were dead.”
“Real Fake”: DHS’s 1st Graphic Novel About Disinformation ($Unknown)
DHS’s 2nd Graphic Novel: COVID Disinformation ($Unknown)
Studying COVID-19 “Misinformation” On Social Media In Black & Rural Communities ($3,800,000)
don’t forget the previously mentioned “Dr. Fauci’s Transgender Monkey Study”, which also fits this category

I guess I’d throw the remainder into a pot of miscellany, but they are not to be dismissed:

USAID Fund to Boost Egyptian Tourism ($6,000,000)
— Why is the U.S. spending taxpayer money to promote the Egyptian tourist industry (even if they are our ally right now)?!
Treasury’s Pot of Cash for Political Campaigns ($400,600,000)
— “Why do we provide unused and unnecessary welfare for politicians and their presidential campaigns?”
SBA’s Ticket to Backstage ($200,000,000)
— Why did multi-millionaire musicians (e.g., Post Malone, Lil Wayne, Smashing Pumpkins) get millions of dollars that were supposed to help struggling small business owners survive the pandemic?

There is, of course, more information on each of these in the Festivus Report, so if your interest is piqued… take a peek!